Young Ravens Literary Review: A Biannual Online Literary Journal
  Young Ravens Literary Review
  • Home
  • Masthead
  • Interviews
    • Issue 1 Interviews >
      • Interview with artist Ira Joel Haber
      • Interview with writer S. L. Woodford
      • Interview with poet Dayna Patterson
    • Issue 2 Interviews >
      • Interview with poet Laura Lovic-Lindsay
      • Interview with photographer Michelle Hrvat
      • Interview with author Thalia Spinrad
      • Interview with artist Bobbie Berendson W.
    • Issue 3 Interviews >
      • Interview with author Terri Glass
      • Interview with poet Michael Keshigian
      • Interview with artist Zephren Turner
    • Issue 4 Interviews >
      • Interview with Poet Anne Whitehouse
      • Interview with Artist W. Jack Savage
      • Interview with Author Krisanne Knudsen
    • Issue 5 Interviews >
      • Interview with Poet Seth Jani
      • Interview with Artist Fabrice Poussin
      • Interview with Writer Judith Kelly Quaempts
    • Issue 6 Interviews >
      • Interview with Artist Christine Stoddard
      • Interview with Poet Ricky Ray
      • Interview with Poet Christina Lovin
    • Issue 7 Interviews >
      • Interview with Artist Max Talley
      • Interview with Poet Ali Hintz
      • Interview with Author Lauren Morrow
    • Issue 8 Interviews >
      • Interview with Artist Jesse White
      • Interview with Poet Jeff Burt
      • Interview with Author Daanish Jamal
    • Issue 9 Interviews >
      • Interview with Poet Antoni Ooto
      • Interview with Artist Juan Páez
      • Interview with Writer Meg Freer
    • Issue 10 Interviews >
      • Interview with Shannon Elizabeth Gardner
      • Interview with Karen Neuberg
      • Interview with Vikram Masson
    • Issue 11 Interviews >
      • Interview with Tay Greenleaf
      • Interview with Larry D. Thacker
      • Interview with Jennifer Battisti
    • Issue 12 Interviews >
      • Interview with Shankar Ramakrishnan
      • Interview with Bella Koschalk
      • Interview with Christina Hoag
    • Issue 13 Interviews >
      • Interview with Lauren Walke
      • Interview with Michael Brockley
      • Interview with Donna Pucciani
    • Issue 14 Interviews >
      • Interview with Jemma Leigh Roe
      • Interview wtih Michael T. Young
      • Interview with Judith Ford
    • Issue 15 Interviews >
      • Interview with Richard Levine
      • Interview with Laura Erekson
      • Interview with Leslie Dianne
    • Issue 16 Interviews >
      • Interview with Richard Hanus
      • Interview with Damon Hubbs
      • Interview with Wendy K. Mages
    • Issue 17 Interviews >
      • Interview with Matina Vossou
      • Interview wtih Sigrun Susan Lane
      • Interview with Ariel Mitchell Williams
  • Issues
    • Issue 1 >
      • Introduction Issue 1
      • Cover Art "Girl with Bouquet"
      • Hearing
      • Tiger Nebula & Barnacles
      • 3 Poems by Dayna Patterson
      • A Fruitful Tale
      • 3 Photographs of Spain
      • Sea Ice & Touch the Sun
      • Toad Hunting
      • Touch of Rainbow
      • Moon over Venice & Fontana di Trevi
      • Longboat Key Beach
      • Seashells & Colored Grove
      • Driving Home from the Bar with Frankie, Winter
      • You are the Vision
      • The Embroidery (Vyshyvanka)
      • Safe, Sound
    • Issue 2 >
      • Cover art by Tommy Ottley
      • YR2 Introduction
      • YR2 Bobbie Berendson W.
      • YR2 Laura Madeline Wiseman
      • YR2 Robert A. Kaufman
      • YR2 Laura Lovic-Lindsay
      • YR2 Rebecca Page
      • YR2 Lanette Cadle
      • YR2 Michelle Hrvat
      • YR2 Heather Monson
      • YR2 Maria S. Picone
      • YR2 Mary Bast
      • YR2 Bridget Gage-Dixon
      • YR2 Liz & Elisa Pulido
      • YR2 Katherine Simmons
      • YR2 Thalia Spinrad
      • YR2 Wilda Morris
      • YR2 Ruth Foley
      • YR2 Brent Danley Jones
      • YR2 Sarah Sadie
    • Issue 3 >
      • Cover Art by Zephren Turner
      • YR3 Introduction
      • YR3 Michael Keshigian
      • YR3 Natalie Luehr
      • YR3 Fern G. Z. Carr
      • YR3 Elizabeth Perdomo
      • YR3 Anandi Wilkinson
      • YR3 Terri Glass
      • YR3 Brendan Walsh
      • YR3 Heidi Morrell
      • YR3 Marianne Szlyk
      • YR3 Rachel Bownik
      • YR3 Dennis Trujillo
      • YR3 Dani Dymond
      • YR3 Sylvia Ashby
      • YR3 W. Jack Savage
      • YR3 Krisanne Hastings Knudsen
      • YR3 Dayna Patterson
      • YR3 Mary Buchinger
      • YR3 Linda M. Crate
      • YR3 Nels Hanson
      • YR3 Stephen L. Peck
      • YR3 Debbie Barr
      • YR3 Joanne Esser
      • YR3 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR3 Emily Strauss
    • Issue 4 >
      • Cover art by Kurt Knudsen
      • Introduction: the heart of cyclicity
      • YR4 Page Turner
      • YR4 Randel McCraw Helms
      • YR4 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR4 Bridget Gage-DIxon
      • YR4 Lisa Cook
      • YR4 Mary Stike
      • YR4 W. Jack Savage
      • YR4 Michael Pendragon
      • YR4 J. Ellington
      • YR4 Mantz Yorke
      • YR4 John Grey
      • YR4 Carl Boon
      • YR4 Lynn Otto
      • YR4 Ayendy Bonifacio
      • YR4 Yuan Changming
      • YR4 Paul Stansbury
      • YR4 Ingrid Bruck
      • YR4 Helen Patrice
      • YR4 Laura Sobbott Ross
      • YR4 Krisanne Hastings Knudsen
      • YR4 Emily Bilman
      • YR4 Kaye Linden
      • YR4 Edilson A. Ferreira
      • YR4 Jessica Lindsley
      • YR4 Michael Keshigian
    • Issue 5 >
      • YR5 Introduction
      • YR5 Kirchheimer & Piudik
      • YR5 Robert Ford
      • YR5 Mark A. Fisher
      • YR5 Eli T. Mond
      • YR5 Dani Dymond
      • YR5 Seth Jani
      • YR5 Tonya Hamill (Poetry)
      • YR5 Kersten Christianson
      • YR5 Ed Higgins
      • YR5 Thomas Piekarski
      • YR5 Don Thompson
      • YR5 Marc Carver
      • YR5 Carol Smallwood
      • YR5 Mackenzie Dwyer
      • YR5 Michael Keshigian
      • YR5 Banwynn (Suta) Oakshadow
      • YR5 Terri Simon
      • YR5 Richard Fein
      • YR5 Andrew Hubbard
      • YR5 Matthew Burns
      • YR5 Allison Gish
      • YR5 Judith Kelly Quaempts
      • YR5 Anthony Rubino
      • YR5 Tonya Hamill (Art)
      • YR5 Jennie Harward
      • YR5 Chad M. Horn
      • YR5 Shandi Kano
      • YR5 Fabrice Poussin
      • YR5 Alec Solomita
      • YR5 Review
    • Issue 6 >
      • YR6 Introduction
      • YR6 Christine Stoddard
      • YR6 Ahrend Torrey
      • YR6 Jenn Powers
      • YR6 Felicia Mitchell
      • YR6 Brandon Marlon
      • YR6 Natalie Luehr
      • YR6 Sarah Rehfeldt
      • YR6 Terri Glass
      • YR6 Christina Lovin
      • YR6 Kelly DuMar
      • YR6 Joan White
      • YR6 Peggy Turnbull
      • YR6 Nate Maxson
      • YR6 Vivian Wagner
      • YR6 Tushar Jain
      • YR6 Gordon Kippola
      • YR6 Randel McCraw Helms
      • YR6 Ashley Park Owens - Art
      • YR6 Marianne Peel
      • YR6 Lindsey S. Frantz
      • YR6 Mark Bonica
      • YR6 Ed Krizek
      • YR6 Ricky Ray
      • YR6 Edilson Ferreira
      • YR6 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR6 Cat Dixon
      • YR6 Barbara Brooks
      • YR6 William Doreski
      • YR6 John Grey
      • YR6 Michael Keshigian
      • YR6 Maureen Solomon
      • YR6 Kersten Christianson
      • YR6 Jennifer Liston
      • YR6 Shawna Sommerstad
      • YR6 Ashley Parker Owens - Poetry
      • YR6 Claire Blotter
      • YR6 Zev Torres
    • Issue 7 >
      • Introduction Issue 7
      • YR7 Max Talley
      • YR7 Thomas O'Connell
      • YR7 Fabrice Poussin
      • YR7 Archita Mittra
      • YR7 Ali Hintz
      • YR7 Lucía Damacela
      • YR7 Steven Sher
      • YR7 Cynthia Blank
      • YR7 Kathryn Knight Sonntag
      • YR7 Holly Day
      • YR7 Judy Shepps Battle
      • YR7 Allegra Forman
      • YR7 Kristen Wood
      • YR7 Sarah Rehfeldt
      • YR7 Don Thompson
      • YR7 Gwendolyn Joyce Mintz
      • YR7 Dan Brook
      • YR7 Michael Maul
      • YR7 Dennis Trujillo
      • YR7 Lauren Morrow
      • YR7 Daginne Aignend
      • YR7 Ann Christine Tabaka
      • YR7 Judith Kelly Quaempts
      • YR7 Michael Keshigian
      • YR7 Karen Poppy
      • YR7 Matthew Barron
      • YR7 Krikor Der Hohannesian
      • YR7 Linda M. Crate
      • YR7 Natalie Schriefer
      • YR7 Bob Carlton
      • YR7 Roger Sippl
      • YR7 Jake Sheff
      • YR7 Dan Brook - NF
      • YR7 Jim Zola
      • YR7 Kelsey May
      • YR7 Mark A. Fisher
      • YR7 Meg Freer
      • YR7 Chris Connolly
      • YR7 DJ Hill
      • YR7 Mantz Yorke
      • YR7 Mark J. Mitchell
    • Issue 8 >
      • Issue 8 Introduction
      • YR8 Jesse White
      • YR8 Barbara A. Meier
      • YR8 Meg Freer
      • YR8 Andrea Wolper
      • YR8 Emily Warzeniak - Art
      • YR8 Emily Warzeniak - Poetry
      • YR8 Parul Gupta
      • YR8 Robert Beveridge
      • YR8 Chris Stolle
      • YR8 Maria Pascualy
      • YR8 Daanish Jamal
      • YR8 Roberta Senechal de la Roche
      • YR8 Wendy Schmidt
      • YR8 Kevin Casey
      • YR8 Constantin Preda
      • YR8 Suzanne S. Rancourt
      • YR8 Gwendolyn Joyce Mintz
      • YR8 Judith Kelly Quaempts
      • YR8 Jeff Burt
      • YR8 Michael Keshigian
      • YR8 Ray Ball
    • Issue 9 >
      • YR9 Introduction
      • YR9 Juan Paez
      • YR9 Antoni Ooto
      • YR9 Dennis Trujillo
      • YR9 Kersten Christianson
      • YR9 Stephen Register
      • YR9 Rasma Haidri
      • YR9 John Grey
      • YR9 Terri Glass
      • YR9 Meg Freer - Art
      • YR9 Keith Moul
      • YR9 Thomas Piekarski
      • YR9 Jared Pearce
      • YR9 Sunil Sharma
      • YR9 Paul Bluestein
      • YR9 Linda M. Crate
      • YR9 Meg Freer
      • YR9 Hugh Cook
      • YR9 Marc Carver
      • YR9 Mary Buchinger
      • YR9 Edilson Ferreira
      • YR9 Robert Wexelblatt
      • YR9 Don Thomposon
    • Issue 10 >
      • Issue 10 Introduction
      • YR10 Shannon Elizabeth Gardner
      • YR10 Vikram Masson
      • YR10 Randel McCraw Helms
      • YR10 A1 Shelby Lynn Lanaro
      • YR10 Nate Maxson
      • YR10 Ed Ruzicka
      • YR10 Carol Alena Aronoff
      • YR10 Wendy Schmidt
      • YR10 Meg Freer
      • YR10 Marly Youmans
      • YR10 Diane Dickinson
      • YR10 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR10 Susan Blevins
      • YR10 Shelby Lynn Lanaro
      • YR10 McKenzie Lynn Tozan
      • YR10 Christian Mack
      • YR10 Bridget Gage-Dixon
      • YR10 A1 Edward Lee
      • YR10 Richard Luftig
      • YR10 Rachael Nazzaro
      • YR10 Jan Ball
      • YR10 Michael Keshigian
      • YR10 Anne Doran
      • YR10 George Moore
      • YR10 Luis Cuauhtémoc Berriozábal
      • YR10 Fabrice Poussin
      • YR10 Edward Lee
      • YR10 Edilson Ferreira
      • YR10 Juliette Sebock
      • YR10 Eve Lyons
      • YR10 Tamam Kahn
      • YR10 Patrick Haas
      • YR10 Victoria Elizabeth Ruwi
      • YR10 Tim Kahl
      • YR10 Jennifer Stuart
      • YR10 Laura Stringfellow
      • YR10 Mary Anna Kruch
      • YR10 Tracee Clapper
      • YR10 Marianne Szlyk
      • YR10 Robin Wright
      • YR10 Cynthia Elder
      • YR10 Agnes Vojta
      • YR10 Karen Neuberg
      • YR10 Antoni Ooto
      • YR10 DS Maolailai
      • YR10 Cheryl Caesar
      • YR10 Alec Solomita
      • YR10 Hibah Shabkhez
    • Issue 11 >
      • Issue 11 Introduction
      • YR11 MD Marcus
      • YR11 Donna Pucciani
      • YR11 Edilson Ferreira
      • YR11 John Sweet
      • YR11 Holly Day
      • YR11 Antoni Ooto
      • YR11 Judy DeCroce
      • YR11 Mark J. Mitchell
      • YR11 Margaret King
      • YR11 Meg Freer - Poetry
      • YR11 John Grey
      • YR11 Randel McCraw Helms
      • YR11 Lily Beaumont
      • YR11 Katherine Johnson
      • YR11 Gary Duehr
      • YR11 Fariel Shafee
      • YR11 Tay Greenleaf
      • YR11 J.I. Kleinberg
      • YR11 Barbara A. Meier
      • YR11 Rebecca Fullan
      • YR11 Duane Anderson
      • YR11 Jennifer Battisti
      • YR11 Dayna Patterson
      • YR11 Fabrice Poussin
      • YR11 Meg Freer - Art
      • YR11 Janina Aza Karpinska
      • YR11 Larry D. Thacker
      • YR11 Bob MacKenzie
    • Issue 12 >
      • YR12 Introduction
      • YR12 Bella Koschalk
      • YR12 Lori Levy
      • YR12 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR12 Barbara A. Meier
      • YR12 Charlotte Fong
      • YR12 Sivakami Velliangiri
      • YR12 Vivian Wagner
      • YR12 Bailey Bujnosek
      • YR12 Joan Leotta
      • YR12 Kelley White
      • YR12 Bob MacKenzie
      • YR12 Richard Luftig
      • YR12 Judith Kelly Quaempts
      • YR12 Janette Schafer
      • YR12 John Kaprielian
      • YR12 Antoni Ooto
      • YR12 Shelby Lynn Lanaro - Poetry
      • YR12 Ann Weil
      • YR12 Ellen Dooling Reynard
      • YR12 Randel McCraw Helms
      • YR12 Stephanie Hauer
      • YR12 Stephen Kingsnorth
      • YR12 Cynthia Trenshaw
      • YR12 Shobhana Kumar
      • YR12 Phoebe Backer
      • YR12 Christina Hoag
      • YR12 Shankar Ramakrishnan
      • YR12 Meg Freer
      • YR12 Bob MacKenze - Art
      • YR12 Shelby Lynn Lanaro - Art
      • YR12 Christopher Woods
      • YR12 John L. Stanizzi
    • Issue 13 >
      • YR13 Introduction
      • YR13 Donna Pucciani
      • YR13 Marie C Lecrivain
      • YR13 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR13 George R. Kramer
      • YR13 Vern Fein
      • YR13 Terri Glass
      • YR13 August Smith
      • YR13 Don Thompson
      • YR13 John Raffetto
      • YR13 JBMulligan
      • YR13 Gordon Kippola
      • YR13 Meg Smith
      • YR13 Theric Jepson
      • YR13 Melanie Cox
      • YR13 Shannon Cuthbert
      • YR13 Preeth Ganapathy
      • YR13 Laurinda Lind
      • YR13 Michael Brockley
      • YR13 Lauren Walke
      • YR13 Page Turner
      • YR13 Meg Freer
      • YR13 Cheryl Johnson
      • YR13 Dayna Patterson
      • YR13 Charles J. March III
    • Issue 14 >
      • YR14 Introduction
      • YR14 Agnes Vojta
      • YR14 Michael T. Young
      • YR14 L. Ward Abel
      • YR14 Kelly Morgan
      • YR14 DS Maolalai
      • YR14 Judith Kelly Quaempts
      • YR14 Anneliese Kvamme
      • YR14 Claire Drucker
      • YR14 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR14 August Smith
      • YR14 George Moore
      • YR14 Jennifer Schomburg Kanke
      • YR14 Gena Schwam
      • YR14 Angele Ellis
      • YR14 Matthew Mayes
      • YR14 Jennifer Novotney
      • YR14 Cameron Morse
      • YR14 Shelby Lynn Lanaro
      • YR14 Kate Meyer-Currey
      • YR14 Mark Heathcote
      • YR14 Arlene Weiner
      • YR14 Rebecca Patrascu
      • YR14 Gabrielle Langley
      • YR14 Gary Lark
      • YR14 Michael Keshigian
      • YR14 Cathy Shang
      • YR14 Linda M. Crate
      • YR14 Mark A. Fisher
      • YR14 Jerin Anne Jacob
      • YR14 Randel McCraw Helms
      • YR14 Jack D. Harvey
      • YR14 Ana Pugatch
      • YR14 Tracy Donohue
      • YR14 Roger Singer
      • YR14 Judith Ford
      • YR14 Dayna Patterson
      • YR14 Jemma Leigh Roe
      • YR14 Maxwell Suzuki
      • YR14 Meg Freer
    • Issue 15 >
      • YR15 Introduction
      • YR15 Richard Levine
      • YR15 Mark J. Mitchell
      • YR15 Rob Piazza
      • YR15 Luke Maguire Armstrong
      • YR15 Aaron Hahn
      • YR15 Morgan Bazilian
      • YR15 Christopher Clauss
      • YR15 Randel McCraw Helms
      • YR15 Judith Kelly Quaempts
      • YR15 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR15 Lea Galanter
      • YR15 Ursula O'Reilly
      • YR15 Mark Hammerschick
      • YR15 Brendan Todt
      • YR15 Greg Hill
      • YR15 Seth Ketchem
      • YR15 Nolo Segundo
      • YR15 Elizabeth McCarthy
      • YR15 Cameron Morse
      • YR15 Bruce McRae
      • YR15 Stephen Mead
      • YR15 Leslie Dianne
      • YR15 Laura Erekson
      • YR15 Jamie Ortolano
      • YR15 Robin Wright
      • YR15 Lauren Walke
      • YR15 Page Turner
      • YR15 Paola Bidinelli
      • YR15 Edward Lee
    • Issue 16 >
      • YR16 Introduction
      • YR16 Sharon Wright Mitchell
      • YR16 Mitchell Untch
      • YR16 Lynn White
      • YR16 Kate Falvey
      • YR16 Hamad Al-Rayes
      • YR16 Daniel A. Rabuzzi
      • YR16 Damon Hubbs
      • YR16 Tricia Lloyd Waller
      • YR16 Johanna Haas
      • YR16 Meg Freer
      • YR16 Ethan Blakley
      • YR16 Cameron Morse
      • YR16 Michael Keshigian
      • YR16 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR16 Marie-Elizabeth Mali
      • YR16 Allen Ashley
      • YR16 Kersten Christianson
      • YR16 Kyle Singh
      • YR16 Shari Lawrence Pfleeger
      • YR16 GTimothy Gordon
      • YR16 Ursula O'Reilly
      • YR16 Meekha Roper
      • YR16 Fabrice Poussin
      • YR16 Peycho Kanev
      • YR16 Stevenson & Auclair
      • YR16 Wendy K. Mages
      • YR16 Richard Hanus
      • YR16 Cynthia Yatchman
      • YR16 Jared Rich
      • YR16 Carl Scharwath
      • YR16 Kersten Christianson-Art
      • YR16 Meg Freer-Art
    • Issue 17 >
      • YR17 Introduction
      • YR17 Merryn Rutlege
      • YR17 Sigrun Susan Lane
      • YR17 Elizabeth McCarthy
      • YR17 Kersten Christianson
      • YR17 Alixa Brobbey
      • YR17 Sharon Lopez Mooney
      • YR17 Mary Alice Williams
      • YR17 Ann M Lawrence
      • YR17 Lauren Cox
      • YR17 Karla Linn Merrifield
      • YR17 Chloë Rain
      • YR17 Colette Tennant
      • YR17 Anne Whitehouse
      • YR17 Elizabeth Cranford Garcia
      • YR17 Holly Day
      • YR17 Darlene Young
      • YR17 Robin Wright
      • YR17 Sandra Salinas Newton
      • YR17 Nancy Machlis Rechtman
      • YR17 Dorothy Johnson-Laird
      • YR17 Adrienne Stevenson
      • YR17 Diana Raab
      • YR17 Shirley Harshenin
      • YR17 V. Bray
      • YR17 Christa Fairbrother
      • YR17 Ariel Mitchell Williams-Fiction
      • YR17 Ariel Mitchell Williams-NF
      • YR17 Liz Busby
      • YR17 Matina Vossou
      • YR17 Wendy Lou Schmidt
      • YR17 Richard Hanus
  • Submission Guidelines
  • About Us
Daanish Jamal

Tumbling through the Afterlife


Whenever I’m overwhelmed, I flick a switch in my head, and the world transforms before me. Instead of seeing an attractive receptionist with the reflection of a computer screen in her brown eyes, what I see are colorful distinct molecules. Trillions of brilliant, vibrating beads. They are dynamic, electric, with all sorts of little rivers and exchanges. I look at my hands and see these beads evolving, constantly replenishing according to a biological rhythm I can’t quite explain. When I see this, I remember that I am indistinguishable from my surroundings. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

"He’s ready for you.” The receptionist stands up and directs me towards an empty conference room. She flashes a distracted smile, as if she’s preoccupied with the contents of the page open on her computer. The offices of this Silicon Valley venture capital firm have recently been remodeled. It looks elegant, yet the sleek curves and wood panels still manage to hint at the company’s history.

I try not to get nervous. The logos of their most successful companies line the walls. They look like hieroglyphs, telling the story of technology’s last fifty years.

This is my final interview at a prestigious firm I never expected I would have the chance to work at. I take some deep breaths and stare out the window at Highway 280. I know some twenty-five miles south, there are three grandparents sitting in our house in Cupertino, waiting to hear from me. My grandfather, Ba, is probably wearing some retro Reebok sneakers, pacing up and down the block with his arms folded behind his back. His wife, Nani, is probably dressed in a kameez shalwar, already drinking her third cup of chai, watching her husband through the kitchen window, and reciting a prayer under her breath. My other grandmother, Amma, is much older than the other two. She’s probably making fun of them both, laughing to herself because she knows we have no control over what happens in this life.

The door opens, and Alan Ericsson walks in. He looks shorter in real life than he does in his interviews, but he’s wearing the same iconic round glasses. He extends his hand.

“Hi, I’m Alan. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you, Hakim.” Already I like him more than the partners I’ve met at the other firms. It only takes a second to know.
  
I think back to my last interview. In a San Francisco high rise, one partner asked me a brainteaser, “there are five pirates looking to split one-hundred gold coins…” At first I thought he was kidding, but I managed to answer the question. Even still, I didn’t get the job.

We go through the pleasantries. Alan asks me who I am, where I grew up, where I went to school, why I studied biology. Cupertino, Columbia, because I wanted to be like my high school teacher who I admire.

I ask him why he works in venture capital. He looks away and thinks about it. I like that he cares to be thoughtful.

“Same reason you studied biology. Someone I admire told me it’s a good idea. I guess we all just want to be respected by the people we respect.”
         
He asks me what investment areas I’m most interested in. I tell him about the intersection of computer science and biology. I tell him about how “we have the technology to precisely edit genes so our children don’t inherit our diseases…”           

This is the easy part for me. This is what I’ve rehearsed, and it calms me down to hear so many words come out of my mouth. “…we can use computational drug discovery to stop aging if we…”

Alan nods along. He is only vaguely intrigued by the content of my speech, which makes me talk faster. I continue through to the grand finale, “and so we can use adaptive therapies to cure illnesses before we even show symptoms.”

He covers his mouth with his fist and pinches his thick eyebrows together. Then he nods his head again. “That all makes sense, Hakim. We’re spending more time looking for opportunities in these areas...” Every time he says my name, I feel my shoulders relax a shade more. He shifts in his seat and picks another direction. He seems to be searching for something.

“When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?”

This question surprises me, but I think it’s a good one. I would usually say something clever, like architect or detective, but I already know Alan wouldn’t care for that.
           
“It didn’t matter that much to me what I would do. I just wanted to be like my grandfather. Not his career just in the way that he’s kind and patient and respected. More than that, he’s secure in himself, and I think completely at peace. I guess it’s less about being like him, and more about feeling like him.”
           
Hours later, I retell this moment to my three grandparents in the backyard of our home. 
          
“And then I told him, I want to be like Ba.” My grandfather’s lips parted to reveal a wolfish grin underneath his bushy mustache. His teeth are yellow, from all the paan he has chewed over the years. Still, they are happy teeth.

Nani is rocking back and forth in her seat. She’s looking to her husband’s face for reassurance that I said the right things in the interview. She sees his smile, but still isn’t sure, so she asks me, “But are you sure that was a good answer? Maybe you should have said you’ve always wanted to be in business.”

Her fear annoys me, and I’ve spent my whole young life trying to expel whatever piece of it I inherited. This one time though, I have the perfect answer.
   
“I know it was the right thing to say because when I finished the interview he said, ‘Hakim, we’d love to have you come work with us…’”

My grandfather leaps up in his chair, “Arrey!”
           
Nani gives me a hug while praying over my shoulder. Amma, stands nearby and congratulates herself, “Of course they gave you a job, you are my grandson.”           
...
Ba wakes up at dawn, when the first light spills through his window and rests on his eyelids. He opens his eyes, sits up in bed, and scans the Bay Area mountains through his window. He’s had this same morning ritual since he was a boy in Pakistan when he would wake up before his brothers and sisters and gaze at the snowy northern mountains. In the room next door, I am awake too. It turns out there is a genetic basis to our circadian rhythms.

Ba washes his face and puts on an orange wooly sweater that Nani knit for him. He and I each have about fifteen of them in different colors and stitching. He then laces up his old Reeboks, slips out of the house, and begins his walk around the neighborhood.

To me, these morning walks are part of the natural cycle of the Earth itself. The day doesn’t start until Ba starts walking, like the Greek god who drives the sun chariot across the sky each day.

Meanwhile, Nani wakes up a half hour later and offers her morning prayers. She goes to the kitchen, boils water for our morning chai, and begins to plan for dinner. She keeps her eye on the window for Ba’s return.

Ami is still asleep, drooling a little but laughing, even in her sleep.
           
I sit at the kitchen table, rifling through presentations of startups looking for their first institutional round of financing. I do my best work here, at this table, cocooned in the decades old routines of my family.

In my first few weeks at Walker Ericsson, I have already reviewed over a hundred companies, and I feel overwhelmed by the sheer volume of analysis I have to complete. Every product is unique, and I don’t know how to thoroughly evaluate a new small molecule drug, a clinical data sharing platform, a gene editing company, and a supercharged MRI all in the same day. Worst of all, if I don’t think we should invest, I have to reach out to the CEOs of the companies and tell them why. I worry about how they must look at me, an inexperienced twenty-six year old telling them their business is not worth our time.

Ba says, “You don’t know what they think. Be honest and direct. All you have is your reputation.” He reminds me that this is how he developed a successful real estate business, by being utterly forthright.

I take a deep breath and look at the glass of water in front of me. I see vibrant hydrogen bonds holding together each molecule, and electrons dancing between atoms. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Over dinner, I can’t help but tell my grandparents about the most ambitious companies. One evening, between bites of fresh naan and okra, I try to shock them.  “You know I met a company today that wants to upload brains onto a computer.”
           
Nani, “Heh?”
           
Amma, “Kya bol raha hai?” What is he saying?
           
“The company wants to put your brain into a computer.”
          
“Why my brain?”
           
“No not you, anyone’s brain. Onto a computer, so you can live forever.”
           
Ba, “What’s the point of having children then?”
           
Nani, “How do they do that?”
           
“Well, they have to pump chemicals into your brain and kill you.”
           
“Oh, okay. Chalo…”
...
I sponsor many companies like this, much less absurd but all looking to address diseases, particularly neurological ones. After one such meeting, Alan shakes his head and says, “Silicon Valley wants to live forever.”
           
“Is that a bad thing?”
           
“Well, if you’re dying of brain disease, that means you’re not dying from HIV, malaria, or tuberculosis. Neurological diseases and cancer are a rich country’s problem. Anyway, there’s too much risk in Alzheimer’s companies. Find me something else.”
           
That’s bluntness I’m sure Ba would appreciate.
           
I want to tell him that I’m curious about the brain because I everyday I see how age can warp its functions. Amma is forgetting things. Not just the occasional place or name. She forgets whole days. Our routines have to adapt. Mostly Nani’s.
          
I had Amma tested, and it turns out she is a carrier of the APOE4 allele, which is a risk marker for Alzheimer’s. I have it too.          
...
There is always drama to our weekly investment team meetings. Before one of the meetings, I sit alone at the long conference table with James Walker, the other senior partner. He’s an imposing, heavyset Texan with long slicked back grey hair. We are both quiet, waiting for the others to file in. I play with a groove in the table and think about how I spend too much of my day indoors.

“Hakim, have you ever heard of Jim Mattis?”
          
I have. I feel uneasy veering into politics. Everyone at our firm is careful to remain outwardly apolitical. He continues,
           
“He has this quote that I think is just perfect, ’be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.’”

He smirks and before I have a chance to respond, the other team members file in laughing about some joke made in the hallway.
           
The ten of us work through a list of twenty companies to decide which ones to pass on, which ones to invest in, and which ones to investigate further. Each one has a sponsor, and all of them have nine skeptics. There’s a careful dance to these meetings. You want to advocate without looking like you’ve lost objectivity. You want to argue against the sponsor, without making an enemy. Some people just take the side of whatever they think Walker or Ericsson  want to hear.  And of course there is frequent use of the venture capital tropes which can kill any deal.
           
“This feels like more of an interesting technology than a company.”
           
“This guy seems like a great founder, but I don’t think he’s an entrepreneur.”
           
“It seems like a good company, but is this a space where we can really add value?”
           
“But how big can this really get? Feels like a couple hundred millions dollars, not a billion.”
           
By the end of the four hour session, only a few companies survive. The room is humid and overheated. Sometimes I think I can see steam rising from people’s heads, as the whirring gears inside slow to a rest.     
...
A year passes like this, in a stream of breakfasts and meetings and evening chai’s with my family, and then one morning, Ba doesn’t come home from his walk.

Nani knows before anyone else. She claims it is the same supernatural fluttering she felt when my parents passed. The ‘good-bye’ whispers of an untethered soul, or whatever. I indulge her because part of me wants to believe it too.

The morning he dies, I am reading at the kitchen table. He always arrives within the same three or four minute window, like clockwork.  Four minutes past his expected arrival, Nani is already worried. Fifteen minutes later, I go out looking for him, and find him face down on the sidewalk near the beginning of his circuit.

“He had a heart attack just like his father did, and his younger brother. And all this time I was worried about brain disease.”
         
Alan and I are on a bench in the middle of the nature path that loops around our Sand Hill road office.
           
“I’m sorry to hear that Hakim.” he says quietly to his feet. “How high is your cholesterol?”
           
I glance self-consciously at my belly. It annoys me that the story of losing the most important person in my life is intellectually interesting to him, a case study in inherited heart disease.
           
But it turns out I have a mutation in my PCSK9 gene that leads to high cholesterol. Ba must have had it too, and it was easily curable. Much simpler than brain disease, only a few faulty letters amongst billions in our genetic code.
           
Between fits of crying in my room, I emerge to find Nani covered in a shawl, praying in the living room. She is on her knees, rocking back and forth, counting her beads in a hypnotic trance. The first few days after, Amma prays with her. I avoid speaking to her. Her faulty memory makes me feel like I am losing two people at once. Amma takes over tasks around house, like cooking dinner or washing Nani’s clothes. The little things help restore equilibrium in our family. Slowly, too slowly, we begin to adopt new symbiotic routines.
           
One night, we are quietly eating dinner, and Amma can tell Nani is upset, but can’t remember why.
           
“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
           
“Yes, Amma.”
           
“What happened?”
           
Nani and I share a look. Nani says, “I miss my husband.”
           
Amma tries to understand. Then she has a solution. She grabs my neck, “Why? He’s sitting right here.”
           
She laughs an honest, wheezing laugh. I hope she is being funny but know she is going mad.
           
The next morning I wake up at dawn. I sit up in bed and look for the first light crashing over the mountains. I splash water on my face, slip on a sweater, and lace up my shoes. I pass Nani in the living room, rocking back and forth in prayer. She squints at me, confused, when I pass. I see green, red, and blue vibrating proteins. I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
           
I step out into the morning darkness, ready to steer the Sun across the sky.




Daanish Jamal works as a venture capital investor in San Francisco. Jamal is a recent graduate of Georgetown University (BSBA Finance) and was an Annabelle Bonner prize winner for fiction writing.


Proudly powered by Weebly